Little Old Lady in Court

Posted on January 25, 2010 by HowleyKook
Filed Under Women | Leave a Comment

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so ’spicy’ that I just laid down and told him
‘Take me, young man. Take me now!’

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ‘ April Fool!’ And that’s when I shot the little bastard !!

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to get married, have children or vote!

Posted on January 21, 2010 by HowleyKook
Filed Under Politics | Leave a Comment

This was this guy’s first boat and he was taking it to the lake, but he

wasn’t quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat off a ramp.
However, he figured it couldn’t be that difficult to do, so he stopped by
his local Union office for advice, and they just told him…

“Don’t let the trailer get too deep in the water when you’re launching your boat”.

Well later on, he couldn’t understand what they meant by that, as he just
could barely get his trailer in the water!

(Sticker on back glass explains everything)

Husband Store

Posted on January 19, 2010 by HowleyKook
Filed Under Love, Men, Women | Leave a Comment

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Harley the dog!

Posted on January 8, 2010 by HowleyKook
Filed Under Animals | Leave a Comment

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the vet once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy shit, my dog is a Democrat!

The Knob

Posted on January 5, 2010 by HowleyKook
Filed Under Jokes | Leave a Comment

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’

Over the course of years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said,

“Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”

Did you know…?

Posted on December 22, 2009 by HowleyKook
Filed Under facts | 1 Comment

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
‘Lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple (nurple isn’t a word).
‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.