Oldie but Goodie from JibJab – He’s Barack Obama, HooRay!

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Pirates of the Carribean

Marriage

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I’m glad to see you’ve regained consciousness. You probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pileup on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”

The man perks up.

“So,” the doctor says, “you must decide how many inches you want. I understand that you’ve been married for over forty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit intimidated. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, “So, have you spoken with your wife?”

“Yes, I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you make a decision”?

“Yes,” says the man.

“What is your decision”? asks the doctor.

“We’re getting granite countertops.”

Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “No hard feelings…”

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man’s life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What’s an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man’s life? Answer: My life sucks, my job sucks and my wife doesn’t.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women? Answer: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!

Awesome senior moment

This is supposedly a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC.

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman’s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, “Lady, don’t you care about the children of Iraq?”

The old woman looked up at her and said, “Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I’ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it.”

~God Bless America ~

My Job SUCKS!!!

I will never, ever complain about my job, ever again!!!

Remembered forever as…