Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~”Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.”
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- – Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
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Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol , caffeine, sugar and fat.
– Alex Levine
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
– W.C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
– Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
– Winston Churchill
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty , but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
– Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
– Billy Crystal
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The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
– unknown
