My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

• He has his food prepared for him.
• He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
• His meals are provided at no cost to him.
• He visits the vet once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

• He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
• If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
• He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy shit, my dog is a Democrat!

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted ‘The Knob.’

Over the course of years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She said,

“Well, I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee.”

1. ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
2. ‘Lollipop’ is the longest word typed with your right hand.
3. No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple (nurple isn’t a word).
4. ‘Dreamt’ is the only English word that ends in the letters ‘mt’.
5. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
6. The sentence: ‘The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog’ uses every letter of the alphabet.
7. The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
8. There are only four words in the English language which end in ‘dous’: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
9. There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: ‘abstemious’ and ‘facetious.’
10. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
11. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
12. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
13. A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
14. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
15. A snail can sleep for three years.
16. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
17. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
18. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
19. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
20. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
21. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
22. Leonardo DaVinci invented the scissors
23. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
24. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
25. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
26. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
27. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
28. The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
29. There are more chickens than people in the world.
30. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
31. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

I’m not really concerned about swine flu.

Here’s my concern:

3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow …..Mad Cow disease.

2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird …..Avian flu.

This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig …. swine flu.

Next year is the year of the cock ……….Anybody else worried?

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (now that is beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, when asked why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye..”

Bobby Bowden, Florida States football coach, when asked why he didn’t invest in condos, said, “I am too old to use them now.”

I just received this little ditty from one of our readers.

Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early so that you can get ready to include an important address to your list.

Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world..

Make sure it says “Merry Christmas” on it.

Here’s the address, just don’t be rude or crude. (It’s not the Christian way, you know.)

ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York , NY 10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn’t know if any were regular mail containing contributions.  So spend 44 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a ” Holiday Tree”. . .  It’s always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!

And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!

For those of you who aren’t aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others in this war.

Help put Christ back in Christmas!

This was received from one of our readers and does not represent the views of the site owner or its members or affiliates.

• Number 10    – Life is sexually transmitted.

• Number 9   – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• Number 8   – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.  If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich

• Number 7   – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use Facebook and they won’t bother you for weeks.

• Number 6   – Some people are like a Slinky. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

• Number 5   – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

• Number 4   – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

• Number 3   – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

• Number 2   – In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

• And The Number 1 Thought For 2009   – We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.  Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.