Never leave your nuts alone!

Posted on November 19, 2008 by 49
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A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a Baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his Commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, ‘Up Nuts’, and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, ‘Down Nuts’, and they all sat back down In their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, ‘Cheer Nuts’. They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the Home team, the Doctor yelled, ‘Booooo Nuts’ and they all started Booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, ‘What in the world happened?’

The assistant replied, ‘Well everything was going fine until this guy walked by and yelled, ‘PEANUTS!’

John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.

Posted on November 18, 2008 by HowleyKook
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The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary . Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.’

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued….

……..”May I inquire as to what the turkey did?

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!

Posted on November 18, 2008 by HowleyKook
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1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It’s Cool Whip time!

4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

5. Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

6. I’m in the mood for dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.

10. Don’t play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

18. That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it’s ready?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

New Stock Market terms for 2008 and beyond

Posted on November 17, 2008 by 49
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CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO– Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Name something with two legs that bleeds a lot…

Posted on November 14, 2008 by 49
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Half a dog.

At a recent FBI interview

Posted on November 12, 2008 by HowleyKook
Filed Under Jokes, Love, Marriage, WTF?, Women, Work | Leave a Comment

The FBI was recruiting assasins. After sorting through a series of applicants the proctor was faced by 3 fianlists, 2 men and a woman.

He separated them into separate rooms and at the end of each room stood a large steel door.

He instructed the first gentleman that “through that door sits your wife. In order to make it through and be hired you must take this gun and shoot her”. The first gentleman replied, “I cannot shoot my wife” He was instructed that he could take his wife and leave and that he wasn’t suited for the job.

The proctor went into the second room with the same instructions for the second gentleman. The second gentleman entered the room, gun in hand and with a tear in his eye, turned around and said “I cannot shoot my wife”. He was instructed that he could take his wife and leave and that he wasn’t suited for the job.

The proctor entered the third room, handed the gun to the woman, who seemd quite perturbed by the wait. He gave her the same instructions that her husband was behind the door and she was to shoot him to get the job.

She entered the room closing the door behind. A series of shots rang out, followed by thuds and thumps and several loud screams. Shortly thereafter emerged the woman, sweaty and dishevelled.

She took a deep breath and explained “The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair”

Moral of the story - don’t mess with a woman, they’re nuts!!!